Little Ms Confused...

Welcome to my little realm. 

 Let's jump right in shall we? I am in a very weird stage in my life and I am so confused. Actually, I am beyond confused, I think Fubar is the only way to describe me right now.😆

I am half of everything apparently, I am half Swedish, half Brazilian, I am half black and half white, I am half narcissist and half empath (a Heyoka) half crazy, half rude, half time employed, I am half married and apparently now I am half straight as well...

At the age of 48, this is where I find myself and I have questions. I have lots of questions, so I am here to find friends. Not hookups, not flirts because I am not a cheater or interested in playing with anyone's feelings. I just want to talk to someone safely about what I am experiencing. So what happened to trigger this?

TikTok happened. TikTok!! One of the most masculine persons I have ever seen showed up in my feed and she messed my whole life up. I don't even know if I am supposed to call her, she or he? Like I said I am all new to this. I definitely don't want to offend anyone but I can guarantee you that I will. Sorry about that.

Background story here:
I am a very sexual person who was raised by men and a promiscuous mother. I was a Tomboy and I don't really like hanging around women because they drain me. I never felt compatible with women. I have a few girlfriends who are similar to me and I love them to death but I couldn't imagine being together with one or living with one. 

I am the kind of woman who can look at both men and women and appreciate their beauty. I never thought something special about it. I am breast fixated, both with my own and others, they are just so beautiful. I never thought anything about that either. When I watched porn with a partner and by myself I noticed that I didn't care about the men because their actions didn't turn me on, there is nothing sensual and beautiful about it and that's what turns me on. 2 women on the other hand, now that can be very hot and sensual. It is pleasant for my eye to see. But a man with a beautiful body who is making love is also very, very hot. I just liked the feeling it caused inside of me and I left it at that. 
To me, this was all normal but I guess it is not... 

I have always dated men and I enjoy it very much but since I have a strong character and personality I need a very masculine and self-secure man. I have only met two men in my life who genuinely made me feel like a woman and I absolutely loved that feeling. One was a rockstar that I actually manifested into my life and he changed my life forever. The way he made me feel is impossible to describe. 
Alive, and petite (I am a plus size), his masculine presence was so strong. He was like a wolf, wild but tame.
We just met briefly but the imprint will last forever. 

I met my husband and he came pretty close but it has been a stormy relationship. Let's say that our inner demons play well together but I am the strongest of the two of us. I am also the oldest and bigger than him. I love him and I am attracted to him and he is a provider and a protector. He changed his whole life to be with me but unfortunately, his old sins followed him and he is in prison until at least the middle of 2025, hence the half-married part, that's how it feels. The prison and justice system in Turkey is messed up, to say the least. Anyway, when he went to prison I found out that he had betrayed me, he didn't cheat but he didn't tell the truth about his relations with his ex and that was like pouring cold water on my feelings so I honestly don't know what will happen when he is back out. I don't deal well with betrayals.

Being alone to deal with absolutely everything I guess I turned on my masculine energy again and I am basically just working, sleeping, solving problems, and caring for both my animals and my street cats. 
That's it, every day of the week. And then I accidentally saw this woman on TikTok and she really turned my life upside down. I felt alive. She is not really "my type", much younger than me, currently in a relationship I think, and is most likely the same height as me. I love tall men built like a Viking but she and her energy woke up the beast inside of me and I was mesmerized. If she would stand here in front of me and offer to be with me, then it would be the first time I ever have sex with a woman. I wouldn't be able to resist and I feel so bad about it. Not for wanting her, but because I feel like this when I am married. I will have a fast lane to hell for sure.

But she spoke to the woman inside of me and she made me feel exactly the same way as the rockstar did. Next to him I was safe and protected, it was home. 
My husband would defend me with his life but it is not the same calm sigma energy, the old wise Viking soul energy if you understand what I mean. It is the energy of a calm person who knows exactly what they are capable of and they have a confidence that is untouchable. So sexy. It is like a drug. I am totally screwed. 😂😂

This woman is the most masculine person I have met after my rockstar. Effortlessly and natural masculinity and it is driving me batshit crazy. How is this possible? Am I bisexual? Or just a woman who embraces her feelings? Because I really love the way she made me feel with her presence. I don't care about what gender she is but her masculine energy and personality really got to me. For 3 days I have been dealing with all of these questions and emotions. What is going on? Have you been there as well? 

I started to look at other masculine gay women and it is a whole new world to me, I am changed forever. I think if my marriage ever ends I would go down that rabbit hole because I am tired of all the power struggles and feeling like a man. I really want to feel like a woman but today men are so soft, have forgotten how to be men, and are not gentlemen and it makes me feel more masculine. 
I can do so many masculine things myself, I just don't want to, I want to be in my feminine mode. 

Sorry for rambling I needed to get all of this off my chest, I will be more structured from now on. 
But what I wanted to say is that if anyone of you wants to become my friend, and maybe a mentor or guide, and are willing to answer my stupid questions, I would really appreciate it. 

I opened a TikTok account to get to know more people. Please feel free to reach out there as well 
@frejasdotter.

Take care and thank you for reading.